I have homework

Yes. Homework.

I’m stuck. I feel stuck. I’m no-where and my thoughts seem to be everywhere to a point where I am not thinking about anything except, that I am stuck.

I had gone to my therapy session, my first session in over two months. The summer flew by and there was always something to be done for the whole month of August, so I missed a few consecutive sessions and there we were on the first day of October.

I sat there in front of Dr. Jay and he asked “how has everything been going for you”? I tell him “yeah, great”. I tell him that I sent the letter and that after I sent the letter, back in mid-August, I was feeling so much better. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. The weight of words, the weight of angry words, the weight of words I was never allowed to voice out, words I was afraid to voice out, and now finally at 55 years of age and after a 5 year silence, and having Pennsylvania and Virginia separating me from the target of my letter, well it isn’t like I would get a knock on my door anytime soon. Even if a phone call was made, I am now clearly aware that I am a grown-up and can choose to not pick up but, then does that make me a coward hiding out still because just the thought of all that, brings on this hyperventilation feeling that still overtakes me.

I wrote letters and journal-ed for the better part of my life, spelling out in words, a lot of what I felt about “him”, how he’s made me feel my whole life up to now and after 30 years of writing letters to him and re-writing and then writing the letter a new, maybe two (hundred) dozen times, I finally just wrote all that was in my head at that time, finished it however way it came to my head and mailed it as is. Let whatever was to happen, happen. Once it was in the mail, there was no taking it back and I was feeling good about it. I was feeling liberated, lighter, proud of myself for gaining the courage at 55 years of age to finally say what I felt (albeit in writing) for all those years that I kept it to myself. They say I it’s the relief in the telling.

I go off on a bit of a vacation for a week and a half. I’m still feeling pretty great. I come back from vacation and yeah, still doing good. No repercussions to speak of from North Carolina and we are well into September.

I’m getting along okay with everyone. Having bits of conversations with the boys!! Everyone seems to be going about their business. “All was going good” I tell him, “and now it’s not going good anymore.” “So, what’s happened? What’s made it go from good to not so good?” he asks. I say, “I don’t know, I don’t know why I’m in a slump again”.

“So, I have an assignment for you to do, a bit of homework” he says. “You have to trust me and do as I ask.” “I want you to sit down and figure out what it is that makes YOU happy”.

So, I have homework to do.

What makes me happy?